We all struggle with those voices in our head that tell us right from wrong. We just never talk about it. I'm right there with you. In fact, my experience yesterday is a great example.
It all started great. Woke up feeling great & enjoyed a cup of coffee while having alone time with God. I had a super busy day at work but very productive and I was feeling very accomplished and good about myself. So I started working on a new project. Needless to say It wasn't going as good as I had hoped. As I tried to pick myself up again & again with positive self talk trying to get it right, my mood was changing. I was no longer feeling accomplished and proud of myself. Instead I grew irritated of what I was struggling to accomplish. Things were no longer going my way and this irritation grew into aggravation and negative self talk. I felt useless and like a failure all because of this one little task that I was struggling with.
I typically expect way more from myself then I should. I put a-lot more weight on my own shoulders and push myself to be better which ultimately sets me up for failure. I create bars/standards that are completely unrealistic & unattainable that I'm doomed to fail. So basically I stress myself out.
I proceeded through out my evening in this mood. Instead of praying about it and letting it go, I soaked in my self pity like it was a bath tub full of garbage that i deserved to be in. Completely forgetting about all the good things in my life and solely thinking about this one failure.
I made tacos for dinner. I must say, they were amazing or maybe that was just my mood talking because stress eating is a thing. I ate 1 taco loaded with everything... cheese, lettuce, sour cream (lite, to make me feel like I was eating somewhat healthy), salsa, taco sauce and some chips on the side. For a moment I didn't feel that failure. I truly enjoyed the food and it temporarily quieted that voice or negative self talk.
As I finished I was satisfied and full. Unfortunately, that voice came back. I felt the desire to go back for a second portion of food. "It was so good, just one more taco." "It will be fine." "What's one more gonna do?" So, I ignored that full feeling in my stomach to indulge in another loaded taco. By this point I was absolutely stuffed. No room for more food but for some reason I still wanted more. To shorten the story a little, I ended up eating a total of 4 tacos and I was so stuffed I was now miserable. So miserable that the negative self take or that pesky little voice came back. "How could you let yourself do that?" " You are goo all day long and now you have screwed up your progress."
As the evening went on I carried that weight on my shoulders quietly. I cleaned the kitchen and living area to keep my mind off of my disappointment I had in myself and my lack of self control. "After all I did this to myself, Right?" ~negative self talk~
Next, I decided it was time to straighten my hair. (If you know me, then you understand how crazy my hair is if left untamed. lol) I knew that straightening my hair would help me feel prettier and better about myself. I tried to clear my mind/thoughts in this process and my hair takes over an hour to fix, so I had plenty of time to think and reflect. Keep in mind that I am a mom & wife so during this whole process I'm having to put a smile on my face (as hard as that is) and pretend this battle in my mind was not going on.
Reflection time: I knew that I was over reacting. My feelings were valid but they are just that, Feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings are not always truth. Feelings are temporary and over indulging in food once in a while is not the end of the world. Every day is a fresh start. I cut myself some slack. "I'll do better tomorrow." "Tomorrow is a fresh start." So, I forgave myself and moved on.
As bedtime arrives and I thought I had moved past all the battles of my mind, I got a craving for a snack. "Oh Lord, here we go again", I thought. I knew I was clearly not hungry, I mean, I had just eaten 4 tacos and chips 2 hours earlier. The voices/thoughts (whatever you want to call it) began.
The Battle: *bad* "Go ahead, eat that snack. You've already messed up, whats one more?" *good* "no, don't do it. You're not hungry, you didn't mess up that bad." *bad* "you have been watching what you eat all month long and haven't achieved anything. What's the difference? You might as well eat." *good* "Nope, not true. You have lost fat & gained muscle." I could go on and on, but I'll just sound crazy. LOL. I promise I'm not. I'm just real and very normal like you. Point being, I was really struggling with making the right choice for myself and I know I'm not the only person out there that has gone through this battle.
I ended up winning the Battle. I chose not to snack because I was clearly not hungry. It was a comfort craving. Something to give me comfort in a stressful day. I never took myself as a comfort/stress eater. In fact, I would have told you No thats not me, I don't run to food when I'm upset or stressed out. Clearly I was wrong.
Now that I know I'm a comfort or stress eater, this knowledge gives me power to overcome the battle. Positive Self Talk, Prayer, Giving it to God & practicing Self Control will all play a part in overcoming this battle.
Final Thoughts: Don't let negative self talk win. The power is in you to control you mind, actions and feelings. I hope that my story resonates with you in a positive light and gives you Hope that you too can overcome this battle.
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